


Where the Lonely Ones Roam

by jesterlady



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Related, Episode Tag, F/M, Gen, Memories, Memory Loss, Missing Scene, One Shot, Past Relationship(s), Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-01
Packaged: 2018-01-07 02:17:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1114340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesterlady/pseuds/jesterlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chakotay doesn't want to forget, so he writes and tries to find the answers in his own memories.  Someone else has the same idea</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where the Lonely Ones Roam

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own ST Voyager: The title is from a song by Digital Daggers.
> 
> I thought the episode Unforgettable would create a great chance for Chakotay and Janeway to have a little chat about their past and future

After Neelix left Chakotay wrote. He wrote furiously until his fingers cramped and his vision grew blurry and his penmanship atrocious. He found he couldn’t stop until he got every last word, every thought, every action, every touch onto the paper. Each moment that passed brought him closer to a moment where he wouldn’t remember Kellin anymore and he refused to accept that. This entire situation had been thrust upon him and he was not about to lose it entirely. Not if he could help it.

As he wrote though his writing became about more than just the past few days or few months, but more like the last few years and everything he’d encountered. It all rose up before his mind’s eye and it was somehow freeing to write about it where he didn’t have to watch his words, where they couldn't be subject to a computer capturing the data, however personal the log. A certain name appeared over and over and it started to bring up other feelings rather than the ones he was writing about originally. He tried to focus just on Kellin but every time her face was remembered the picture was a bit dimmer than the last time. He worked the harder for all that. Like Neelix said, love couldn’t be quantified, but that didn’t mean Chakotay wasn’t going to try and quantify his own love life or lack thereof.

At one point he threw his pen down in frustration, rubbing his hands against his temple. Was he simply writing the same thing over and over now? What more was there to say? Yet he couldn’t help feeling like there was something more. He was forgetting already and he didn’t want that. It was a nice feeling to be loved, to feel wanted, and to be a part of something unique. He’d never experienced it quite like this before, there was something about it that was different to any other romantic experience in his life and he wanted, no, he needed to remember that. If he could remember loving someone else maybe he wouldn’t feel so burdened by not being allowed to love.

As he sat there, trying to figure how to end it, the doors to the mess hall opened and Kathryn walked in, paper in one hand, a mug of coffee in the other. She smiled at him but she looked like she was pulling one of her famous all nighters. Ordinarily he would be analyzing her appearance to see which approach he should take. There were several he utilized in his job of first officer. Sometimes it required he simply join her and help her get done whatever she was obsessing about. Sometimes he had to be firmer and speak openly about the crew’s need for their Captain to be well rested. On more occasions all that was needed was for him to brew her a fresh cup of coffee or even realize that one of them needed to be in top form, so he’d go back to his quarters and get a good night’s sleep himself.

Tonight he didn’t feel like being a first officer so he didn’t say anything as she approached him.

“I see we had the same idea,” she said, slapping her paper on the table and sitting down. “I thought I’d come and see if you could fill in one or two blank spots since you were more involved in this latest escapade of ours. I don’t know why I didn’t do this last time, but I don’t like the idea of forgetting entire species or our interaction with them.”

He leaned back and would have tried to smile, but it was too much effort.

“I understand,” he said dully.

“Are you all right?” she asked. “Do you need me to come back?”

“When neither of us can remember why the conversation needed to happen in the first place?” he said.

“Point taken,” she said. “Would you care to talk about it? I know it must…hurt for her to have left like that.”

“No worse than usual,” he said enigmatically and inwardly groaned. She was literally the worst person to speak about this with. “I’ll be fine, Kathryn.”

“I certainly hope so,” she said. “I’m rather fond of you that way.”

“Me too,” he said.

“Come on, Chakotay,” she said, “what’s going on?”

“I’m what’s going on,” he said, giving in to the inevitable. “I accept my life in the Delta Quadrant most of the time; I know our situation means our personal lives have to give way to our duty. But sometimes I think it’s not my duty or the Delta Quadrant that’s stopping me from finding…someone.”

Kathryn shifted uncomfortably and he didn’t blame her. They talked openly on almost every subject one could think of, but except for very specific situations, love was the one topic they avoided with alacrity.

“I can’t imagine you having trouble in that area.”

“Nor I you, yet here we are,” he said, somewhat more harshly than he meant to.

“I take your point,” she said. “Well, what makes you think you’re the problem?”

“Every time I get close to someone they’re pulled away,” he said. “It’s not just Kellin. I’m not even sure what happened with her and not just because I’m starting to forget. But I…seem to be drawn to people beyond my reach. Kellin was just the last in a long line, what about Seska or even Riley? And before them, life in the Maquis wasn’t exactly conducive to romance and one took comfort where one could.”

“What about before then?” Kathryn asked, her eyes guarded even as her voice was compassionate.

“I told you once before how angry I was my whole life, rebelling against my tribe, my family, and then grieving for so long. What chance was there for me to be happy? Until I came here and you gave me a second chance I didn’t know the meaning of the word. But I still don’t see many options for me. Either I find someone and stay and abandon my duty or I go back to the Alpha Quadrant and get slapped in chains for my crimes.”

“You know I’m not willing to let that happen, Chakotay,” she said. “You’ve more than earned a pardon.”

“It might not be your decision to make,” he said. “But I appreciate the thought.”

“I’ve never seen you this way,” she said. “You’re…morose. You must have felt…deeply for her.”

“I think I did, maybe,” he said. “I know I miss her and I enjoyed her company and I wish she hadn’t left, but I can’t remember the two weeks we supposedly fell in love. All I can remember is the last few days and that’s fading fast. It’s not like a few days is enough time to form a lasting attachment or really know someone anyway. Yet I still feel…like this.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, laying her hand over his on the table. “It’s hard to lose someone. No matter how long you spend with them.”

“Perhaps I’m just not enough,” he said. “I’m not enough to break traditions or a collective. I’m not worth not betraying. What is one man compared to ideals?”

“That’s nonsense,” she said. “I won’t have you falling into self pity. I’m not going to pay you compliments simply because you need to hear them. I will tell you the truth. I need you. You’re the bedrock I build my authority on and I can’t lose you or afford to throw you away. You’re my support, my strength, a buffer, a channel, and when I lose my way you aren’t afraid to help me find it again. The value of that is incalculable and I can’t imagine trying to fly this ship without you. You are more than enough for me.”

She took his hand lying under hers and laced their fingers together as she had done years before on New Earth. His breath seemed to stop for a single second and he had to clear his throat before he could speak.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” he said roughly. “You know I would give my life for this crew, and I would never let anything happen to you if I could help it. You gave me my life back, Kathryn, but…I’m not talking about my worth as a person or my usefulness on the ship or the meaning of my life. I’m simply…lonely.”

She turned her head away and then looked back at him.

“You think I can’t relate? We’re lonely for the same reason, Chakotay, you know that.”

He paused for a second and really thought about that. He’d been caught up in his own emotions, for once letting them spill out without censoring them. Now the two of them were dangerously close to the one topic they never let themselves discuss.

“Are you okay?” he said. “I don’t want to presume but I know I wouldn’t be if our situations were reversed.”

“They have been,” she said. “You handled it well, I can do no less.”

“Yours was a prior claim,” he said, being intentionally vague and trying not to feel guilty about the relief he’d felt when she’d gotten her letter from home.

“Oh, we’re claiming now?” she said.

He smiled in spite of himself but it was a tired smile. He concentrated instead on the feel of her hand in his.

“I know I have no claim,” he said. “I just meant my situation might have been more unfair to you than I thought about while it was happening.”

“Like you said there are no claims and you’re a free man,” she said. “I don’t have to like it, but I would never stand in your way except…in the one way we both might want to go.”

“It’s a mutual decision,” he reminded her, amazed she had even said it.

“I know,” she said, squeezing and letting his hand go. “One day we’ll get our people back home, Chakotay, and when that happens you have my permission to make all the claims you want. But right now we don’t have that luxury. I’m sorry for what happened with…” she stopped and blinked. “Um, I’m sorry you’re upset about what…happened.”

He looked at her, puzzled. For some reason he couldn’t remember how the conversation had started either. He’d just started talking about how lonely he was and how unworthy he felt and somehow they’d actually talked about…them.

He looked down at the paper in front of him, sheets and sheets of it. His wrist and fingers hurt and he couldn’t imagine why he’d been writing so much. He’d always hated to write even though his father had made him learn.

He read the first paragraph and realized something had happened to make them forget something.

“I think I need to write down our conversation,” he said.

“I think I do too,” she said, looking up from her paragraph.

They both started to write and his eyes began to blur even more. It was another hour or so before they looked up and he found himself appreciating how in sync they were, how they hadn’t needed to question anything, just do it.

“We’ll read these tomorrow,” he said.

“And see what happened,” she replied.

“In the meantime, you look like you could use some sleep,” he said.

“Oh, here it comes,” she mock groaned, standing up, “another passive lecture from Chakotay about taking R & R.”

“I can’t help it if you assigned me the job of looking out for you,” he said, standing up as well.

He walked her back to their quarters, a comfortable silence residing between them the whole way. They said goodnight and then he made his way to his own quarters, a few doors down. When he walked in he was faced with a sense of loss he couldn’t describe, but he was practically falling asleep on his feet and so he got ready for bed and lay down, sleep overtaking him swiftly.

It wasn’t until the next day before his duty shift that he took a few hours and read what he’d written. It was an overwhelming thing to process but somehow he felt like even though he couldn’t remember doing so, that he had somehow already processed it. He wished he could remember what this Kellin looked like and he had the irrational urge to go and find her. But he didn’t and he couldn’t. He’d written strict instructions to himself about not pursuing this any further and been incredibly compelling about the reasons why. Chakotay had to trust himself and it was hard, but easier than he would have thought. 

When he came to the part about where Kathryn had joined him, there were slightly more feelings involved because he could remember everything about what had happened and he could recall almost every conversation they’d ever had. It didn’t do to dwell on them either. There was nothing to do but go on. Their whole conversation was before him, both in his mind and on the paper, and he placed the sheets carefully inside his medicine bundle.

He and Kathryn met outside of the turbolift and she gave him a slight smile as they entered.

“Good morning, Commander,” she said as the doors closed. “Bridge.”

“Captain,” he said.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, and you?”

“A bit, but I had some reading to do so I got up early.”

“By coincidence, so did I.”

“Are you all right?” she asked, after a moment.

“I can’t remember,” he said. “So, I’m fine.”

“Are you glad you wrote it down?”

“Yes,” he said, glancing sideways at her. “Especially the last part.”

“I liked that bit myself,” she said.

The turbolift doors opened and Kathryn gave him one more glance before she became the Captain and they stepped out onto the bridge, business as usual.


End file.
